Today as I began my Bible reading I started to think about something. Especially as it deals a little with what I wrote last night. Why am I doing all this? Why am I beginning to spend time in the word? Why am I beginning to blog? Why am I back to journaling? Why am I fasting?
As soon as I chose to turn to Christ and away from things pulling me from Him, I did not feel a huge fire in my heart. I was not in tears during worship; I was not constantly thinking of God or praying. I still do not really feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be in God's word, I am happy to be taking on the challenge of the fast, and it is so good to feel connected with God again, but are my motives right?
I don't think that I am just trying to get people to think that I am super righteous or something, but am I just doing this to "do what is right." It's kind of like what I wrote in my last blog. Am I just following God's law or leaning on God because I'm supposed to? Or do I honestly long to be near to God and glorify Him through my being?
This is a complicated issue. I know that Satan plants doubt in our hearts, so that we will stumble and fall. And I know that as a Christian, I will not always be a huge flame for Christ. But, I still feel the need to self-reflect and be positive that my motives are correct.
After I began to slightly reflect on this, I began my Bible reading, Matthew 6:5-18. This is the passage that includes the Lord's prayer and a short passage about fasting. One of the main points in the passage is that if I am doing things in order for people to see me do them, then I have already received my reward in full. But if I do things in secret, for only God to see, I will receive a heavenly reward. Heck, I want the heavenly reward!
So how do I know if my motives are right? I honestly don't think that I can figure out my motives on my own. I am blinded by many sins that I have made regular in my life, such as pride and selfishness. However, the action I plan to take is to be sure that the things that I do to bring God glory are done in secret. If someone asks me what I am learning or looks at my blog they can see what God is doing, but I will do my best not to broadcast things. I am also going to try to keep in continuous prayer that God would reveal my motives to me. And that He would show me how to be more like Him.
Self-reflecting- so hard, but so necessary.
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