It's Always Time to Love

Today, I have been in a very weird mood.  The beginning of the day was rather low, getting up early and frantically driving to a new job.  Then it went on, very slowly, as I trained for CPR.  Then, as I sat in my car in the rain, I recognized the wonder and beauty of the Lord.  Coming home from a full day of work, I felt exhausted.  I sat on the couch and didn't even want to play tetris!  I was that tired.

Now, as I have come to notice in the years past, summer is a very exhausting time for me.  My job usually requires me to "go, go, go!" and be up and alert in every situation.  Then, once I return home, I either hurry to another job or hurry to go and hang out with friends.  Either way, I exhaust myself.  As soon as I become exhausted, I seem to back away from God.  I'm too tired to invest my heart and mind in His word.  I'm too exhausted to pray and think about the troubles that I don't want to think about.  This usually begins on the first day of camp, and the whole summer goes down from there.

Today, on the first day of training, I already became exhausted when I got home.  I just wanted to eat.  I just wanted to watch television.  I just wanted to sleep.  Yes, I considered getting in the Word.  In fact, I kind of wanted to, but I just was too tired.

Only through Christ did I choose to read my Bible tonight, and the story I read gave me a very interesting and odd realization.

The passage that I read was Matthew 14:1-21.  The first section talks about the death of John the Baptist, and the second section talks about Jesus feeding the five thousand.  Now, both of these stories are pretty familiar to me, and I really did not expect to glean anything different than I already knew--but of course, God had something different in mind.

What came to my attention was this verse:

"Now when Jesus heard [that John the Baptist had died], he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself.  But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns.  When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and had compassion on them and healed their sick." -Matthew 14:13-14

Jesus went to be by himself in a desolate place, because he was mourning the loss of one of his best friends.  He was sad, and wanted to be alone.  Yet, the crowds came and followed him.  Okay, lets put ourselves in that position.  Your best friend dies, and a bunch of people come up to you and want you to give them advice or help them.  What would you do?  I can tell you what I'd do!  I would get very annoyed and angry, ignore them, and go anywhere that I could to get away from them.  But lets pull out the WWJD!  What would Jesus do?  He had compassion on them and healed them.

This summer, I am going to be tired.  I am going to have things that are distracting me from camp.  I am going to have issues.  But, I have a job to do.  Not only a job at camp, but a job for the Lord.  My job is to put Christ before my feelings, my issues, and my wants.  My job is to have compassion on the kids at camp and those around me that need the love of God.  My job is to stay fervently in the Word, even when I feel so tired.  My job is to be a strong spirit in Christ, even if my body is weak.

Give me strength to do Your will and stick it out this summer.

Penetrate My Inmost Being

Today a friend shared some wisdom with me.  We were talking about heaven and how we would respond if God asked: "Why should I let you into heaven?"  He talked about how his prof had recently shared that most people (Christians and non-Christians) would respond by saying: "I've....been a good person" or "I've.....dedicated my life to You" or "I....read my Bible a lot"

What would you say?

To be honest, before I heard the end of this story, I realized that I would probably say, "I did my best to follow You" -or something along those lines.  But the prof had said that we have it all wrong- its not about us.  Its not about you.  Its not about me.

I don't deserve heaven.  Jesus is the reason I am invited there.

I feel like I have heard things like this before.  (This is one of those times where the cliché statement seems to finally sink in...)  I know that  Jesus is why I can enter heaven.  I know that Jesus is why I can come to God at all.  Yet, does my life reflect this humility?

As I sat there, I wondered if I could ever naturally respond to God with that level of humility, or with that level of recognition for Christ.  If that was my natural response, what would my life look like?

This confirmed the huge level of my pride and self-focus.  If I would answer without a second thought that it was because of Jesus that I could stand before the throne of God, my life would be so very different.  I would see little need to be focused on things such as Facebook or Twitter.  I would see little need to go first in line or buy the cutest shoes.  I would see little reason to stress out about school or work.  My focus would be Christ.  My goal would be to love like He did (John 13:34-35).  My life would be completely a reflection of His sacrifice for me.

Penetrate my inmost being God.  Humble me to recognize and understand what You did for me.

Emotions!?

As I reflected on my spiritual life recently, I thought about writing that I've hit the low point of my circle.  I've hit that point in the road where things are going great and God is fading slowly into the background.  But of course, right before I began to type 3 different situations arose.  3 situations that I had absolutely no control of.

In the first situation, God did something awesome.  He transformed a heart.  He gave a soul bravery.  He showed love, mercy, and repentance.  In this situation, I could not help but to cry in acknowledgement of a Holy and Awesome God.

In situation number 2, I was reminded of a need for God in a friends life.  My heart was broken for her.  Worldliness has overcome her life and caused her to feel a strong separation from God.  In this I could not help but to look to God for help.  I could not help but cling to God for help for a friend and recognize that He has a perfect plan.

In the final situation, I was confused.  I did not know which path to choose, which words to say, which decisions to make.  In this I was able to trust in God, and trust that He has my best interest in mind.  Trust that He loves me and no matter what, He is there for me.

On this day, where I felt fairly distant from God, it literally took a matter of moments before I realized that He is in control.  I can't just go through my life without recognizing His presence.  He is here and I need Him.

Praise God.

Trust In Him

So let's just say that the morning didn't start off to well...  I slept through my first class that i needed to attend.  I was a little frustrated, but I told God that I would rejoice in the day that He has made for me.

I went through my classes, and everything seemed fine.  But just around lunch time everything seemed to hit bottom.  A lot of things were going wrong.  I was hurt, sad, confused, upset, uncomfortable, and just felt like giving up.  All of this really just heaped upon me right before class.  So I headed to my least favorite class -- all 75 minutes of it -- quite, and just down.  Sitting in class is normally terrible, but this time it was even more unbearable.  I wanted to cry, and just let all of the stress overtake me.  But as I sat there and pondered for those long 75 minutes, I slowly realized that God is in control.  I chose to trust Him!  Since when do I do that?? By the end of class, my frown had turned upside down :)  I knew that I didn't like all of those emotions ganging up on me like that, but it was okay!  God knows what He is doing.


As I walked back from class, yes, I was exhausted.  Yes, those emotions all still existed.  But God gave me joy.  Tonight at BASSYCS we talked about how God uses all things for good.  I just need to glorify Him through my actions and trust that He knows what He's doing.

Praise God.  I think that He is changing me.

Keep changing me God.  Please.

To Love Others

As I've approached the middle of my fast, I've realized something.  I found it odd that we talked about love in chapel again.  Last Wednesday I learned about being a witness to others by loving them.  Then, on Saturday I learned about loving non-Christians as humans made in God's image.  Then, in chapel yesterday we read through a little bit of the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:38-48).  This not only talked about how we are called to "turn the other cheek," but also the section about loving our enemies.  love love love.

Throughout my life, I have had difficulty with love.  Yes, I love my family.  But sometimes I even struggle to love my close friends.  This is because of a huge pride problem that I have.  I seek to be superior to others many times, and I hate to feel in any way inferior to others.  This is so wrong.  Its a subconscious thing that I really need to work on.  What could be a better way to work on this than by focusing on loving others rather than myself??  I mean at the rate I'm going with all of this pride nonsense, I'm not sure if people would even know I was a Christian by my actions toward them.  This certainly needs to change.

So as I was sitting in chapel yesterday, it hit me!   Could this be "where God wants me"?  Could this be "my next step"?  (21 Days)

A while ago, Nancy Gruendyke came and spoke to the girls of third center about being single.  She talked about this time as a time of opportunity.  When I first heard her say that I honestly think that I laughed out loud.  For me, it was difficult to see really anything good about being single.  But she was right!  As I am spending time without a boyfriend or husband, I can invest in others!  I can spend my time serving my close friends, my BASSYCS girls, really anyone!

Since I know that God wants me to be single right now, could this be the specific focus that God wants me to have?  To spend my time, my prayer, my energy, loving others?  I really think that this is what He is calling me to do.

As I begin my second half of my fast, I am praying that God would make clear to me specifically who he wants me to focus my love on, if there is someone.  I am praying that He would make my heart genuine and give me a longing to glorify Him by the way that I can love others.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that in many instances it will be difficult for me to love others, but I'm ready! I'm ready to do what God is calling me to do, and I'm ready to give everything that I can to it!

Lord, may your will be done.

A living sacrifice

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2

These are some of the key verses that my co-leader and I have been teaching our small group of third grade girls at BASSYCS on Wednesday nights.  Last week, we defined the word sacrifice and had the girls share some ways that they could be a living sacrifice for God as third graders, whether that be in their class or at home.  My co-leader and I both shared ways that we could sacrifice for God.  The struggle that I had mention was reading my Bible, something that honestly should not really have been a sacrifice anyway.  We left our group with a challenge to find one way to be a living sacrifice over the week, and then we would share about it on the next Wednesday.  The week went on, and I knew that I should probably "sacrifice" and read my Bible at some point.  Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....an hour before a group I pulled out my Bible, read a good 3 verses and headed to BASSYCS.

Clearly, this is not the sacrifice that Paul was talking about in Romans.  In fact, Paul wasn't talking about ONE sacrifice.  He wasn't talking about a specific action that we could do "for God" even though we didn't want to.  Paul calls us to be a living sacrifice, and this is how we are to worship God.

As I recognize the places in my life where I have been the exact opposite of a living sacrifice in my life and begin to cut them out, I am unbelievably broken.  I am torn between my wants and God's, but there is one thing that I know above all else.  I am God's and I want to be His above anything else in my life.  If there is anything that is in the way of my walk with Him, I cannot move forward.

So here I am, broken but joyful.  Knowing that any suffering that I am experiencing is because of my own sinful choices, but so thankful that the Lord of heaven and earth, the perfect spotless one, merciful, gracious God loves me. He loves me more than I could ever comprehend.  This is me.  I'm ready to start over.  I'm ready to, with the help of my Savior, be a living sacrifice for Him.

Here am I, Lord.
Forgive me.
Transform me.
Renew my mind.
Make me a living sacrifice for You.

Have Your Way - Britt Nicole

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won`t forget.
Whoa-oh
You love me.
Have your way.
Yeah