Living by the Gospel

A couple weeks ago during spiritual renewal week, the speaker reminded me of the importance of living by the gospel.  No, not in the sense of “oh, let’s all just love each other!” or “I’m seriously going to just read my Bible every day!”  Yes, those things are important and good, but I was convicted to truly live by the gospel.  I wanted to live in the truth that I am a sinner, God sent his son Jesus to die for me, he conquered death and rose from the dead, if I repent he will forgive me.

Now, some would view this message as only what brings one to a saving knowledge.  They must believe those things in order to become a Christian, and they can leave it at that—but that is the core of who we are as Christians, we can’t just let it go after that.  I want to daily be aware that I am sinner and that I need Christ.

All of this to say, I decided that the next book I should read for devotions would be the gospel of Mark.  Reading through the story of Jesus will be a great reminder of who I am, a sinful being, and an even greater reminder of who Christ is-- my Savior, my God, my everything.

The beginning of Mark talks about John the Baptist and his ministry for Christ.  Something that stuck out to me was the recurring theme of confessing sins and repenting of sins.  How many times had I read over those verses or similar verses and just ignored the often recurring “confess your sins” message?  But guess what?  Confessing your sins is one of the biggest core principles of the gospel.

This paralleled perfectly with what God taught me yesterday.  He taught me that I am a prideful girl, seeking to constantly better my image, and that I need his help to be free from this sin.  Today, through this passage, he reminded me that I need to confess my sins!  This in itself is a step of humility, and it is what God calls us to do daily.  So why don’t I do it?  I find that I’m so focused on myself and what I’m doing, that I don’t take the time to recognize my sin, confess it, and change from it.  Not only is this a huge reminder of my pride issue, but it is a reminder of how much it is getting in the way of my walk with God.  My pride has become such a problem, that I don’t find the need to confess my sins and ask for his help to change.  If this is my mindset, I will never get anywhere!

So, my mindset has changed.  I am now praying for not only an awareness of my sins, but a conviction for them.  I am praying that I will not be blinded by my pride; rather, my eyes will be opened in humility.

My first step in daily living by the gospel is confessing my sins.  My first step is a daily prayer for conviction and the help to get rid of my pride.

God, change my heart.

Rid me of my pride.

Fill me with the gospel.

Laying Down My Pride

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. " Philippians 2:1-7

He made himself nothing.  The God of the universe came to earth and made himself nothing- taking the very nature of a servant.

As I said in my last post, I have been twice as involved at Taylor this year in comparison to last year.  Taking on more responsibility, has been something I've really wanted to do this year.  I love being able to get involved and enjoy experiences and time with people.  But I must admit, I have also loved the image of being thoroughly involved.  For some reason, I feel like I need to impress others by all of the things I am involved in.  For some reason, I feel like taking on more responsibility makes me somehow "above" other people.

This is only one of the ways that I find myself thinking that I am "above" others.  I've save you the details of my pride issues, as they will honestly be very embarrassing to me.

Over this wing retreat, God opened my eyes once again to this huge problem of pride that I have.  He showed me that my assumptions about people are completely wrong.  He showed me that my attitude in my leadership positions is completely wrong.  My opportunities to serve aren't being used to serve others, rather, I'm using those things to serve myself.  How disgusting is that.

Through Christ, I am laying down my pride.
I am taking up humility and a servant's heart,
and I am following the example of Jesus Christ.

Open my eyes.
Convict me.
Change me.
Use me.

God is good.

Here am I, all of me

Wow, it's been a while since I blogged...I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah.  You get the picture...everyone gets busy.

Speaking of busy, I've been really busy.  And you know what that means? stress. I must say, I am one known not to handle stress very well.  The things I'm stressed about constantly weigh on me, and even cause my muscles to tense up.  These are only a few reasons why stress is as huge problem.

This year is a much different year than last.  Many things have changed, and that makes it very easy for me to be stressed.  I let academics stress me out, time stress me out, people stress me out, commitments stress me out--honestly, you name it and it stresses me out.  These things are many times overbearing, overwhelming, challenging, and inconsistent.  Stress causes me to be easily frustrated and focused on myself.  It's just bad.

Today, God has been teaching me.  He has been showing me that He is my consistency and peace.  He is always forgiving, always loving, always teaching, always comforting, always uplifting.  always.  No matter what I do, no matter what changes, He is always there. 

With this knowledge as my foundation, nothing can get to me.  God will strengthen me and uphold me. He gives me a constant joy and peace, in His word and in getting to know Him more.  Seriously, He is so good.  And although I know I'll never be perfect, and I know that I will mess up along my walk with Him--He's there.

So freely, I give myself to Him- my attitude, my stress, my confusion, my worries, my frustrations.  He can take them all.  I am here to serve, love, and grow closer to Him.  I can make that my focus no matter what is going on around me.

Here am I, all of me.

Take my life, its all for Thee.

You Overcame

I must start out by apologizing for the lack of posts recently.  Working at a day camp leaves me with very little time to indulge in Facebook, blogging, or other online activities.

The past week or so, I have been dealing with some sin issues.  Mainly, I am referring to my attitude toward my parents.  Arguments arise easily over small things, and with (what I feel as) my parents refusing to see my side of things- I find it easy to get angry.  Because they do not see my point or I feel that they are in the wrong, I justify my actions and my words.  After many days of these reoccurring situations, I find myself quite frustrated and at breaking point.

Today in church, we sang the song "Overcome" and I was deeply affected by the lyrics we sang.  I already have a huge love for the song because of how it talks about how Jesus overcame death, sin, and Satan.    The first part that reminded me of the tension between my parents and I was the section where it says "All authority is Yours."  How true is that?  God has the authority over all things- after all, He did create all things.  That means that God has authority in the constant situations that I deal with in regards to my parents-- what He says goes.  And you know what He says?

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.  (James 1:19-20)

God does not desire the way that I have been handling the arguments that I have with my parents.  Whether or not they are right or wrong, whether or not they handle things the right way, whether or not I want to have the discussion--God desires me to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

As I said earlier, the song talks about how Jesus overcame death, sin, and Satan.  The bridge says "We will overcome, by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."  As I change my attitude and the way that I go about these situations with my parents, it is not going to be easy.  Pride will get in the way, anger will get in the way, Satan will do everything he can to keep me from producing the righteousness that God desires, but I am reminded that Jesus overcame.  He overcame death.  He overcame sin.  He overcame Satan.  If Jesus overcame those things, than I can certainly overcome these things with His help.  As I approach these situations in the future I will remember Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and I will remember Christ, my holy and blameless example, whom I want to be like in overcoming sin through His power.

Praise God that Jesus overcame!
Give me strength to overcome through You, Jesus.

Reminded of a Blessing

Today Mark began his sermon (Taste and See: The Lord is Good!) on Psalm 34 by asking a question: Have you ever had a "close call"?  The kind of experience where if one small detail would have been different, someone would have been seriously hurt or even killed?

My mind instantly flashed back to last summer.  It was the last week of camp and I had caught a fever.  All night I had been lying on the couch crying because of my discomfort and exhaustion.  I went up to bed around 9:30.  A few hours later my dad came into my room and woke me up.  He said that Reagan, my best friend in the world, had been in a car crash and was headed to the hospital with her sister.  All I knew at the time was that Reagan seemed to be alright, but they weren't sure about her sister.

Immediately I broke down.  I began crying and praying out to God for their safety.  A million things flashed through my mind during that time, but mainly the fact that they needed to be okay.

Reagan and her sister had been taking the highway on their way home when an ambulance began to merge into their lane.  The ambulance did not use its turning signal and therefore took Reagan off guard.  In an attempt to not get hit, her car ended up flipping one and a half times, landing upside down on the median.

Later Reagan informed me that she had only received some soreness in her back and Paige made it out with a cut above her eye and a broken nose.

Now that was a close call.

Remembering that night brought back the tears and emotions that I had felt that night, and more.  Since the accident, I had attempted to help Reagan heal from it and listened as she talked about it, but I had not thought through it myself.

Reagan has been my best friend for a few years now.  We have laughed together, cried together, learned together, grown together, struggled together, listened to Regina Spektor together, driven together, bowled together, sang together, worshiped together, read together, watched movies together, and so on.  On the outside, some may see our friendship as sarcastic, funny, random, or crazy, but what they may not see is that there is so much more.  Reagan and I have grown so much in our faith because of the encouragement we have received from one another.  We feel comfortable sharing everything with each other, and know that the other will listen, understand, advise, and pray.  Reagan has been there for me through more of the pain, struggles, joy, and over comings in my life than anyone else has.   She has loved me no matter what, encouraged me at the perfect times, listened to me when I needed, prayed with me, and more.  Her house has become my house and her family has become my family.

Rethinking the car crash showed me how absolutely thankful I am for her.  I am thankful that God blessed me with such a godly best friend who has an incredible love for others.  I am thankful that He spared her and her sister that night, because without her, I don't know how I would have made it through freshman year.  I could always talk to her when I felt alone, I could always tell her the things I didn't trust other people with, I could always count on her not to judge me but to advise me, I could count on her to sporadically encourage me, and I know she prayed for me a lot this year.

Today, I'm reminded of a blessing- one of the biggest blessings that God has given me in my life.


God, thank you for Reagan Mallory Kelley.

Have Faith and Move Forward

During freshman year, I have realized an interest that I have in either teaching inner-city or overseas.  This realization has shown me something that would be incredible but also incredibly uncomfortable.  This summer as I have been thinking about my opportunities, I recognize that there are plenty of things that I can do to learn and grow to my full potential.  Opportunities to learn from Christ and others and opportunities to grow in faith.  I have taken a step toward my interests by taking my job at camp, but there are other opportunities that I can take for others and for my future.

Even as I prepare for my first day at a new camp, I am scared.  I'm scared of what is unknown.  I'm scared of what I am unprepared for.  I'm scared for what I am not in control of.  Today I read from Matthew 14:22-33.  This is the passage where Peter joins Jesus walking on water.  Walking on water is an experience that would be an awesome and growing experience for Peter--but its scary!  Yet he takes a step of faith, out onto the water.  When he loses faith and begins to sink, Jesus reaches out and holds him up.

No matter what, life is going to bring uncomfortable situations.  Life is going to bring scary situations.  And think of all of the wonderful and growing experiences that I would miss out on, if I did not have faith. If I did not have courage.  If I did not trust God.  If I did not take the opportunity.

This summer and next year at Taylor, I am going to take opportunities.  I'm going to take opportunities that  are uncomfortable and scary--with faith, confidence, and courage.

Lord, give me the faith I need.  I will not fear, for You've got big plans for me.
Praise Him.

It's Always Time to Love

Today, I have been in a very weird mood.  The beginning of the day was rather low, getting up early and frantically driving to a new job.  Then it went on, very slowly, as I trained for CPR.  Then, as I sat in my car in the rain, I recognized the wonder and beauty of the Lord.  Coming home from a full day of work, I felt exhausted.  I sat on the couch and didn't even want to play tetris!  I was that tired.

Now, as I have come to notice in the years past, summer is a very exhausting time for me.  My job usually requires me to "go, go, go!" and be up and alert in every situation.  Then, once I return home, I either hurry to another job or hurry to go and hang out with friends.  Either way, I exhaust myself.  As soon as I become exhausted, I seem to back away from God.  I'm too tired to invest my heart and mind in His word.  I'm too exhausted to pray and think about the troubles that I don't want to think about.  This usually begins on the first day of camp, and the whole summer goes down from there.

Today, on the first day of training, I already became exhausted when I got home.  I just wanted to eat.  I just wanted to watch television.  I just wanted to sleep.  Yes, I considered getting in the Word.  In fact, I kind of wanted to, but I just was too tired.

Only through Christ did I choose to read my Bible tonight, and the story I read gave me a very interesting and odd realization.

The passage that I read was Matthew 14:1-21.  The first section talks about the death of John the Baptist, and the second section talks about Jesus feeding the five thousand.  Now, both of these stories are pretty familiar to me, and I really did not expect to glean anything different than I already knew--but of course, God had something different in mind.

What came to my attention was this verse:

"Now when Jesus heard [that John the Baptist had died], he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself.  But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns.  When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and had compassion on them and healed their sick." -Matthew 14:13-14

Jesus went to be by himself in a desolate place, because he was mourning the loss of one of his best friends.  He was sad, and wanted to be alone.  Yet, the crowds came and followed him.  Okay, lets put ourselves in that position.  Your best friend dies, and a bunch of people come up to you and want you to give them advice or help them.  What would you do?  I can tell you what I'd do!  I would get very annoyed and angry, ignore them, and go anywhere that I could to get away from them.  But lets pull out the WWJD!  What would Jesus do?  He had compassion on them and healed them.

This summer, I am going to be tired.  I am going to have things that are distracting me from camp.  I am going to have issues.  But, I have a job to do.  Not only a job at camp, but a job for the Lord.  My job is to put Christ before my feelings, my issues, and my wants.  My job is to have compassion on the kids at camp and those around me that need the love of God.  My job is to stay fervently in the Word, even when I feel so tired.  My job is to be a strong spirit in Christ, even if my body is weak.

Give me strength to do Your will and stick it out this summer.

Quit Your Grumbling!

I found another way to show Christ during camp this summer!

Do all things without grumbling or questioning, ¹⁵that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, ¹⁶holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. - Philippians 2:14-16

 How easy is it going to be to complain during camp?  Let me tell you, as a 3 year camp counselor, it will be very easy to complain.  I'm sure the other counselors will be complaining too!  My goal should be to show Christ through keeping from complaining and grumbling.  Believe it or not, that could be a great witness!

Since I am pretty good at complaining, I will probably need to start working on that now if I ever want to stick to it this summer!  (Finals is a great time to quit grumbling)

May my voice be filled with praise and not complaints, God.

An Unworthy Servant

So, I find it interesting that today I just happened to stumble upon this verse:

"So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" -Luke 17:10

Hmm...is God trying to tell me something?  How about: be humble!

How many of you readers out there would consider yourself a servant?  I mean, when you think about your identity- when you think about you as a person, does the word title of servant come to mind?  Well, if you're like me, it doesn't.

A servant is the lowest of the lowest.  Someone who is indebted to a master.  Someone who does not "own" themselves.  Someone who is required to fulfill specific duties.  Someone who is undeserving.  Does that describe you?

Yes, I am indebted to Christ.  Yes, I am expected to fulfill specific duties.  But do I recognize my lowly position?  Do I recognize that I am undeserving?  No.

I am an unworthy servant and it is only when I recognize myself as one, that I can truly realize the joy I have in being a servant for Christ.  It is only when I realize my lowly estate that I can rejoice in following God's holy and righteous commands.  (Psalm 119)

When I became a Christian, I knew I was a sinner.  Even now, I know I'm a sinner.  Yet, I somehow think that I am in control of this thing that we all call life.  I somehow think that I deserve something for the way that I live.  I somehow think that I deserved to be loved by God.

Lord, open my eyes.  May I stand before you one day and say,

"I am an unworthy servant, and I have only done what is my duty."

Penetrate My Inmost Being

Today a friend shared some wisdom with me.  We were talking about heaven and how we would respond if God asked: "Why should I let you into heaven?"  He talked about how his prof had recently shared that most people (Christians and non-Christians) would respond by saying: "I've....been a good person" or "I've.....dedicated my life to You" or "I....read my Bible a lot"

What would you say?

To be honest, before I heard the end of this story, I realized that I would probably say, "I did my best to follow You" -or something along those lines.  But the prof had said that we have it all wrong- its not about us.  Its not about you.  Its not about me.

I don't deserve heaven.  Jesus is the reason I am invited there.

I feel like I have heard things like this before.  (This is one of those times where the cliché statement seems to finally sink in...)  I know that  Jesus is why I can enter heaven.  I know that Jesus is why I can come to God at all.  Yet, does my life reflect this humility?

As I sat there, I wondered if I could ever naturally respond to God with that level of humility, or with that level of recognition for Christ.  If that was my natural response, what would my life look like?

This confirmed the huge level of my pride and self-focus.  If I would answer without a second thought that it was because of Jesus that I could stand before the throne of God, my life would be so very different.  I would see little need to be focused on things such as Facebook or Twitter.  I would see little need to go first in line or buy the cutest shoes.  I would see little reason to stress out about school or work.  My focus would be Christ.  My goal would be to love like He did (John 13:34-35).  My life would be completely a reflection of His sacrifice for me.

Penetrate my inmost being God.  Humble me to recognize and understand what You did for me.

The Joy of the Lord

Today-

as I walked outside with the sun shining,

as I sang in worship with the gospel choir,

as I prayed for those who are close to my heart, 

as I experienced the warm weather,

as I listened as my peers reflected on those whom they look up to, 

as I reflected on my life here at Taylor

-I realized how well off I am.

God has given me so much to be thankful for, even just in this day alone.

The immense joy that I feel, right now and in this day, is only a joy that can come from my glorious sovereign and all-powerful Father.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

The Lost Sheep

As I began to prepare for this summer, I wanted to find some scripture that was directly related to the type of ministry that I am planning to do this summer.  I wanted to find scripture about reaching out to those that have not found Christ.  I asked my DA to help me find some verses that correlated with this purpose, and that led me to Luke 15:1-7.

¹Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. ²And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them."

 ³So he told them this parable: ⁴"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?⁵And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. ⁶And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.' ⁷Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

Wow, now that is some dedication!  The shepherd left his sheep in open country and sought after one lost sheep?  Jesus sought after one lost me.  I didn't deserve it.   Heck, I wandered off!  That didn't matter though.  Christ came and found me.

This summer I need to learn from this example of Christ.  No, I would not consider myself "The Great Shepherd," but I do have a responsibility to let God use me to find these lost sheep.  Even if God will only use me to find one sheep, I am up for the challenge.

God, show me your lost sheep.  Use me to bring them back.

Take this Opportunity

As I talked with a friend yesterday, I realized something.  I am unfamiliar with non-Christians.  Okay, so yes- I do have friends that used to be Christians but later changed their minds- but I don't have any friends that are unfamiliar with Christianity or have never been surrounded by Christians in some area of their lives.  My focus of "witnessing" and showing the love of Christ has been more focused on discipling  fellow Christians or loving on my friends who have fallen away.

Although that is a good way to "witness," I feel like (with my future especially) I need to become familiar with sharing Christ to non-Christians.  I need to get out of my comfort zone of only discipling fellow Christians and become able to share/love on those who do not know Christ.  There are so many possibilities that loving non-Christians will be a huge part of my life in the future: teaching at public school, becoming a missionary, or teaching overseas.  I need to step outside of my little Christian-schooled comfort zone and love on others who are unaware that they have been made in God's image.

This summer I have a new job.  Rather than my comfortable little Christian day camp, I am working at a non-Christian camp in a more inner city location.  This is my first real opportunity to learn how to show God to kids who don't know Him.  I'm very scared and honestly uncomfortable, but nonetheless this is my opportunity.

Before most adventures that God sends me on, I must admit I am bad a preparing.  If I am going on a missions trip, I'll barely pray about it or read the book we are supposed to.  Even for camp the past few years, I have not been very intentional about reading the Bible with camp in mind or praying about camp.  This year is going to be different.  This is a specific opportunity that God has given to me, not only to prepare me for the future, but to make me uncomfortable for Him.

God, use me this summer.  Make me a vessel for you to everyone--every walking, breathing, living image of You

Emotions!?

As I reflected on my spiritual life recently, I thought about writing that I've hit the low point of my circle.  I've hit that point in the road where things are going great and God is fading slowly into the background.  But of course, right before I began to type 3 different situations arose.  3 situations that I had absolutely no control of.

In the first situation, God did something awesome.  He transformed a heart.  He gave a soul bravery.  He showed love, mercy, and repentance.  In this situation, I could not help but to cry in acknowledgement of a Holy and Awesome God.

In situation number 2, I was reminded of a need for God in a friends life.  My heart was broken for her.  Worldliness has overcome her life and caused her to feel a strong separation from God.  In this I could not help but to look to God for help.  I could not help but cling to God for help for a friend and recognize that He has a perfect plan.

In the final situation, I was confused.  I did not know which path to choose, which words to say, which decisions to make.  In this I was able to trust in God, and trust that He has my best interest in mind.  Trust that He loves me and no matter what, He is there for me.

On this day, where I felt fairly distant from God, it literally took a matter of moments before I realized that He is in control.  I can't just go through my life without recognizing His presence.  He is here and I need Him.

Praise God.

Happy Birthday Whitney-from God

So, the past few days I haven't really been in the great mode of prayer that I was in last week.  I've just been slightly detached.  I've still been praying, but I just hadn't been as moved by it as I was before.  Now, I'm not at all saying that that was bad, but I do love strongly feeling Christ evidently in my prayer life.

Today, I may or may not have been journaling during class, and God blessed me with that connection again.  My list of thank yous to God just brought me so much joy.

Having birthday is a perfect time to count your blessings.

God has given me incredible friends.  He gave me my best friend (R) who sent me a wonderful letter for my birthday.  I'm reminded of the extremely awesome influence that she has had on my life.  He gave me new great friends at Taylor who "forced" me to drive to Anderson for donuts in the wee hours of the night and paid for my dinner at Bdubs.  I'm reminded of the close relationships that have formed even just over 1 year and that will probably last a lifetime.  He gave me my education buddies (M and C) who I got to spend the evening with!  I'm reminded of relationships that God has given me outside of my wing that have blessed me immensely.

 God also has given me something even greater than these.  He's helped me to trust Him and rely on Him.  This is not something that I have completely learned by any chance, rather, it is something that God has empowered me to do better than I have in the past.  I used to literally say, "You don't understand.  I have tried everything.  I've been at my weakest point and broken before God, but no matter what I do: It won't go away!"  Now God has changed my attitude completely.  I have power through Christ.  Where I belong is in God's presence, and when my heart and mind is focused on Him--I have strength like I've never had before.

Now, these are only 2 of the huge blessings that God has given me.  I think you can imagine why I had such a great birthday--why I am feeling so great about these 19 years that I have been alive.  It's because God is present.  God has grown me.  I'm not at a stand-still.  I'm not the same as when I first found Christ.  I'm exponentially closer to God.  By all means, I'm not the closest to Him that I'll ever be, but God is working--and I can see it.

Praise God for the happiest birthday of my life.

Trust In Him

So let's just say that the morning didn't start off to well...  I slept through my first class that i needed to attend.  I was a little frustrated, but I told God that I would rejoice in the day that He has made for me.

I went through my classes, and everything seemed fine.  But just around lunch time everything seemed to hit bottom.  A lot of things were going wrong.  I was hurt, sad, confused, upset, uncomfortable, and just felt like giving up.  All of this really just heaped upon me right before class.  So I headed to my least favorite class -- all 75 minutes of it -- quite, and just down.  Sitting in class is normally terrible, but this time it was even more unbearable.  I wanted to cry, and just let all of the stress overtake me.  But as I sat there and pondered for those long 75 minutes, I slowly realized that God is in control.  I chose to trust Him!  Since when do I do that?? By the end of class, my frown had turned upside down :)  I knew that I didn't like all of those emotions ganging up on me like that, but it was okay!  God knows what He is doing.


As I walked back from class, yes, I was exhausted.  Yes, those emotions all still existed.  But God gave me joy.  Tonight at BASSYCS we talked about how God uses all things for good.  I just need to glorify Him through my actions and trust that He knows what He's doing.

Praise God.  I think that He is changing me.

Keep changing me God.  Please.

I finally found where I belong

This morning was a different morning.  I woke up with Christ on my mind.  I was praying in the shower!  Let me tell you, it gave quite a different start to my day.

When I got to chapel we sang a song that I'd never heard called Where I belong.  There was one line that just really got me (after about the 20th time we sang it).  "I finally found where I belong, in your presence."

Man, I've had so much emotional turmoil that I've brought upon myself.  I've had so many times of discomfort, doubt, loneliness, confusion, longing, depression, and brokenness.  But I was standing there and it hit me!  I had finally found where I belong.  I belong in Christ's presence.  I belong to Him and I want him to delight in me.

As long as I dwell in His presence, I am safe.  Things will still get rough, but I will make my decisions knowing that I am in Christ's presence.  I am going to delight in His law and His glory, and He will delight in me.

Wow.  This is what matters in life.

Define me, Lord

You know...I think I'm in charge of my life.  I think that I can do what I want and I can fix my own problems.  I think that I can become my own person and treat people how I want.  I think that I can read my Bible when I want and I can think about whatever I want to.  And to some extent I can...

I can choose what I want to do, who I want to follow, what I want to think, etc.  But who do I reflect in all of this?  Me.


I treat God like He's an option alongside a bunch of other options.  If I feel like loving others, than I will.  If I feel like reading my Bible, I will.  If I want to devote my time to God, I will.  You know what happens?  A lot of times, I do not feel like doing these things.

Change me, God.  May I find my identity in You and be a living sacrifice for you.

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." Romans 12:1

Problem is an Understatement

There are so many issues in this world.
tsunami
9-11
murder
abuse
suicide

The list goes on and on and on....

I'd like to take a look at the things that I spend the majority of my day thinking about
my schedule
my homework
my meals
my fatigue
my loneliness
my lack of a boyfriend
my pride
my discomfort
my friends
my sarcasm

Now let's play that Greater than, Less than game that we all learned in elementary school.
List #1   >   List #2

Welp, that wasn't all that difficult.  Yet, for me it's tough.

I can spend a good couple days seeking God fully, because during those days I am quite comfortable.  But then, if any of List #2 begins to be a problem, than my attention is on it.  I mean, yes.  It is important to grow through and face my problems, but for me to feel bad for myself for even one second just seems wrong.  Honestly, I think that what I am going through is bad?  Other people are facing things so much worse as I'm sitting there feeling upset because I don't have a boyfriend?  That's just wrong.

My problem is that I have to sit here and whine about my problems.  I need to learn to trust God, lean on Him, and help, love, and pray for others.

God, change me.
Help others who are far worse off than I am.

Bible Reading Don't Make Ya Spiritual!

One thing that I have always struggled with is Bible reading, even more so over breaks.  I just never choose to make time for it.  I have an abundance of excuses, and honestly a lot of the time I feel like I don't need to do it.  I remember just a couple weeks ago telling my BASSYCS girls that Bible readings is not something that we have to do to be a Christian, but it is something that we should want to do because we want to know our Savior more.

Since I have found a reading plan, I have been able to be in the Word daily!  It's been insane, I mean I've read the Bible every day since the first day of my 21 day fast! That's a long time, for me.  Even over break, I have continued to be plugged in to the Word.  I have also been writing in my prayer journal every day, which has really helped me to keep in prayer for others and really reflect on my life.

Although I have been in the Word a lot, I've been lagging.  No, I wouldn't say that I'm drifting or anything, my day is just not focused on God like I want it to be.  When I'm reading my Bible, I focus on God and do what I can to be open to what He wants to reveal to me.  I do enjoy reading and I like to journal to God too, but once its over....my day just goes on like normal.

It's like my devotional time is the time that I think about and focus on Christ, but then when it's over, I'm in charge of my life.  The things that I am learning or the things that I pray for myself, just stop there.  I don't do anything about them.  I don't really pray throughout the day, I just do the things I want when I want.

My point being: Bible reading does not just make me constantly in touch with God.  Yes, I would say that it is so important, but it is not what makes my faith.  I need to center my life around God, not just my devotions.

So where do I go from here?  Well, I'd say that this is something I need to put some real effort toward.  Yes, it is important that I pray that God would guide me and help me to center my life around Him, but I need to also keep in constant prayer.  Keeping in prayer throughout the day can help me to keep God in mind.  Another thing I am starting today is remembering a phrase from my devos that I can think about during the day, that will remind me of Christ.

Although these things seem surfacy, they will help for my focus to be where it should.

A little more on Judas

Finally, break!

I must admit that it has been quite difficult to stay on top of blogging, both because I am very busy and it is hard to get alone.  I also must say that I owe part of my lack of blogging to my quickly obtained obsession with the show Lie to Me, which I have now almost finished.

So, yesterday in church we were looking at Matthew 26, which is back where Judas betrays Jesus.  Of course, because earlier this year I took a new prospective on this story, I was engaged as soon as we began looking into it.  But this time I realized something that I had not before: Judas was one of the 12.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.  Duh, Whitney.  Everyone knows that.  I mean for heaven's sake, they were all sitting around the table when Jesus told them that one of his disciples would betray him.  Okay, cut me some slack.  But really!  Jesus' 12 disciples were his followers and his best friends.  They were always with him.  As we read through the passage where Judas greets Jesus with a kiss in order to betray him, I realize that this could not have been an easy moment for Jesus.  His best friend walks up to him and kisses him, when "secretly" he has gone behind Jesus' back and sold him...in order to kill him!  Oh my.

As I thought about this, and I thought about the hurt that this must be causing Jesus (along with everything else), I attempted to put myself in His situation.  I imagined how I would feel if my best friend betrayed me, and right in front of my face at that!  I would not be angry, honestly I would just be so incredibly hurt.  I mean, it would have been one thing if some random guy named Judas came up and betrayed him.  That still would have been terrible, but I think that would have just brought anger.  Judas Iscariot, being Jesus' best friend, betrays him and it brings so much hurt.

As my previous blog talked about, we, as followers of Christ, strongly identify with Judas.  But now it shows even more how we hurt Jesus.  As His followers, we are Christ's best friends.  He loves us more than anything, and especially because we believe in Him and try to model our lives after Him, He is hurt beyond belief when we sin against Him.

Because we often just view Jesus as some invisible person that we can just ask for things and hope they come true, it is difficult to see that we can hurt Him.  But I sincerely believe that our sin hurts our best friend, Jesus, more than anything.

From Death to Life

Tessa, you are such a role model to me.

I barely knew you but as soon as I learned what had happened I knew that you were with Christ.  As I read through the posts that people had written on your facebook wall, it was so encouraging to see the impact that you had on other's lives.

You have encouraged me to try to have that awesome impact on others that you had.

Love,
Your sister in Christ

He Provides

Today, I was discouraged.  Real discouraged.

I felt like I couldn't do it.  I couldn't make progress.  I've tried so many things, I feel like I've honestly given everything to trust God with this issue that I have, but no matter what I always end up in the same place.

I don't really have time to elaborate right now.  But let praise go where praise is due.  God provides.  Today
He provided me with the friends that I need, the encouraging words I needed, and the love that He has always had for me.

Oh praise Him.

He Takes Me Back

"Yet even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning" -Joel 2:12

This is the first verse that I read for today's Bible reading and it touched my heart.  I stumble and fall every single day.  Many days I deal with thoughts of loneliness and a bad attitude toward people.  Many times I try to find my satisfaction in places other than God.  Many times I choose to do something that I know God would not have me do.  Many times I sin intentionally.  Why should God love me?  He at least loves me less right?

No.

Not only does God allow me to come back into his presence, but he is calling me to return to him?  He wants me back?  This just leaves me speechless.

One of my main intentions on beginning this time of fasting was to "return to God" in the way that this verse calls me to.  But, as I've taken part in this fast, I've still found myself stumbling around.  I still have trouble with giving into temptations and doing things that God would not want me to do.  Here, at the end of this fast, I'm brought to this verse and God calls me to return to Him with fasting, weeping, and mourning.  God still wants me.  Even if my fast wasn't completely perfect, even if my walk still struggles sometimes, even if I have lonely days, He wants me.

Now that, is a great God.



Praise His Holy Name.

He Lives Inside of Me

Well, these past few days I've just been spiritually fatigued.  I've continued to read my Bible and pray, but I've just felt so uninspired.  Normally, these are the times that I just turn to my own strength.  I change my mind about seeking after God fully, and I begin to do the things that I want instead of what He wants for me.  This usually creates a problem.  This makes my roller coaster ride.  I'm up on this spiritual high, and then as soon as I get spiritually fatigued I just fall away.  I go back to my comfort zone of sin.

So how do I remain in Christ during these times?  I mean, Satan especially goes after me when I am spiritually tired.  I often just feel helpless against him because I am tired.  But guess what!  Christ lives within me.  I am a temple for the Holy Spirit.  I clearly cannot stand against Satan on my own, and even when I am tired, He is with me.  I'm not in this battle alone.  Not only is Christ with me, but His Holy Spirit is in me.  I was just really encouraged by that.

Today, I feel like breaking down, and giving into my temptations.  I feel like clinging to that place where I feel comfortable in myself.  But, I'm not going to.  I'm going to trust God and cling to Him with all that I am.  I'm praying that the Holy Spirit will guide me and protect me from Satan.


Comfort me.
Strengthen me.
Guide me.
Protect me.
Spur me on, Jesus.

Confirmation?

Here I am again, just thought it was cool that I read this in my Bible reading today.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Love others?  Yes.

To Love Others

As I've approached the middle of my fast, I've realized something.  I found it odd that we talked about love in chapel again.  Last Wednesday I learned about being a witness to others by loving them.  Then, on Saturday I learned about loving non-Christians as humans made in God's image.  Then, in chapel yesterday we read through a little bit of the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:38-48).  This not only talked about how we are called to "turn the other cheek," but also the section about loving our enemies.  love love love.

Throughout my life, I have had difficulty with love.  Yes, I love my family.  But sometimes I even struggle to love my close friends.  This is because of a huge pride problem that I have.  I seek to be superior to others many times, and I hate to feel in any way inferior to others.  This is so wrong.  Its a subconscious thing that I really need to work on.  What could be a better way to work on this than by focusing on loving others rather than myself??  I mean at the rate I'm going with all of this pride nonsense, I'm not sure if people would even know I was a Christian by my actions toward them.  This certainly needs to change.

So as I was sitting in chapel yesterday, it hit me!   Could this be "where God wants me"?  Could this be "my next step"?  (21 Days)

A while ago, Nancy Gruendyke came and spoke to the girls of third center about being single.  She talked about this time as a time of opportunity.  When I first heard her say that I honestly think that I laughed out loud.  For me, it was difficult to see really anything good about being single.  But she was right!  As I am spending time without a boyfriend or husband, I can invest in others!  I can spend my time serving my close friends, my BASSYCS girls, really anyone!

Since I know that God wants me to be single right now, could this be the specific focus that God wants me to have?  To spend my time, my prayer, my energy, loving others?  I really think that this is what He is calling me to do.

As I begin my second half of my fast, I am praying that God would make clear to me specifically who he wants me to focus my love on, if there is someone.  I am praying that He would make my heart genuine and give me a longing to glorify Him by the way that I can love others.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that in many instances it will be difficult for me to love others, but I'm ready! I'm ready to do what God is calling me to do, and I'm ready to give everything that I can to it!

Lord, may your will be done.

Pop the Bubble!

Victory!!  In chapel yesterday, I paid attention!  Not only that, but there was a really good speaker.

He began by speaking about how he did not grow up in a Christian home.  His mother is a Christian, but his father isn't.  One day he finally got his dad to go to church.  After the service, he asked his father what he thought about it.  His father responded with a question.  Why are we (non-Christians) always referred to as seculars?  And why are we automatically considered bad people?

Wow.  What a question!  I mean, it is true.  As Christians, we usually look down on non-Christians, refer to them as secular, and just look at them as sinful.  The speaker went on to talk about human beings.  Christians and non-Christians are all human beings.  We are all created in God's image.  God loves all of us.  Yes, we are called to share Jesus with people who don't know him, but that does not mean looking down on them.

The speaker also shared a story about a friend of his that isn't a Christian.  They have been good friends for 2 years.  The speaker asked his friend if he's ever wanted to be like any Christian he's ever met.  His friend chose not to answer...

These stories just brought a lot to my mind.  First, that I am so caught up in my little Christian bubble.  I don't share my faith with anyone because I do not place myself in situations to be with non-Christians.  Being placed in situations where I would be working along side non-Christians would be uncomfortable and different for me.  God calls us to do that though!  He wants us to pop that bubble.  He wants us to live along side non-Christians, and love them.  He's made us all in His image.  This just really showed me that I am avoiding a huge part of God's will for me.  "He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all people." Mark 16:15

Second, I was convicted by the second story he shared.  Do non-Christians look at Christians and want to be like them?  Honestly, I can say that I could see why non-Christians would not want to be like Christians!  So, how am I living?  Would someone be able to look at my life and want to know Christ?  Or would they want nothing to do with Him?

I've got some things to work on....



Lord, help me to be more like you.

Modern Day Judas Iscariot

What is your first thought when you think of Judas Iscariot?  For me, I view him as the "bad" disciple, the one who betrayed Jesus.  I can't understand why anyone who followed Jesus would do this.  After witnessing his miracles, hearing him teach, traveling with him??  How could anyone betray Jesus after seeing him do all of these amazing things?  How could anyone who knows that He is God do that?  This morning my reading was Mark 14:1-25.  This reading included the section where Jesus predicts Judas' betrayal.

As I was reading this section I realized....I'm Judas.  The evil man that did something so stupid as to betray the King of the Universe.  The man who betrayed a God who loved him more than anything in the world.  I am that man.  (Okay, not a man, but you get what I mean.)

I've seen God work in marvelous ways.  I've seen Him transform lives and work in crazy awesome ways.  I've read His incredible word.  I've walked with Him.  He loves me more than anyone does, He upholds me, He strengthens me, He comforts me, He knows me.  And in return....I betray Him.  After seeing God work so marvelously in my life, I put Him on a cross.

I know we always talk about how its our sin that put Jesus on the cross, but how many of us truly understand what we're saying when we say that?  I mean, yes, Jesus died on the cross because we sinned, but honestly..we weren't there.  We hadn't sinned yet?  So it's kind of hard to put that into perspective.  But if we look at the story and recognize that we are (in a sense) Judas, we can see how we really did put him on that cross.  We "sneak around behind Jesus back," we seek things such as money and other idols rather than Jesus, we find ourselves getting wrapped up with ungodly people and ungodly decisions, we sin directly against Christ.  These are all things that Judas did in order to put our savior on the cross.

Why should we hate sin and abhor falsehood?  Because our sin crucified Christ.  When we sin against God, we betray Him.  Can you imagine Judas watching Jesus on that cross?  And what he was feeling?  We don't always see how our sin affects Christ, and certainly not in the manner that Judas did.  But maybe that is one reason that we so easily step into sin.

As we make decisions, it is our responsibility to remember Judas.  Although we have already been in his "same position," we can choose not to betray Jesus again.

Embarrassing or Encouraging?

So, earlier I was talking to a friend about a struggle I have.  (I have struggles?  What else is new?)  I struggle with paying attention...to anything.  I've realized that in general it is a real chore to pay attention in any lecture.  I have to constantly tell myself to pay attention during class or else I am doomed.  I feel like many times I do not even pick up 50% of what the speaker is saying.  This definitely makes it difficult for me to follow chapel speakers or preachers in church.  I tend to drift off on one specific point or something random and completely miss half of the sermon, and then I am so lost that I can't even catch up.

As I have spoken of before, I am a BASSYCS leader at a church nearby.  Every week there is a little 15 minute sermon for the 3rd graders.  It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I feel like I learned the same amount or more in those 15 minutes that I did in the 45 minute lecture.

We read John 13:34-35, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."  Read that and really think about that.  It says that by this (loving one another) all people will know that you are my disciples.  Whoa!  Really?  I mean, how many times do we try to "be a witness to others through our actions" or we want people to "know we're Christians just by looking at us."  It's so straight forward in this verse!  All people will know we are Christ's disciples by the way that we love one another.  Okay, so many of you probably had realized that before, but for me I always felt there was some complex answer to showing Christ through my actions.  Christ calls us to simply love one another.

Okay, maybe not simply... so yes, loving people is hard, but if God can love us, than we certainly can love others.  Even if that just means letting down my pride for one moment to invest my time in having a good conversation with someone I don't usually talk to, I can be a vessel for Christ.  Things as small and easy as that can go a long way to encourage others and help me draw closer to God.  Wow.  Such a simple concept can really go a long way.

So, as embarrassing as it may be that I can learn more from a 15 minute message intended for 3rd graders than I could learn from a 45 minute sermon intended for college kids, it's encouraging to see God work through the small things.  If sometimes I cannot grasp some of the more complex concepts shared in chapel or church, God can still teach me.  It's cool that you can look just at some of the simple things of life and see God.  :)


For the record, I am still working to pay attention in lectures.

A Time for Self-Reflection

Today as I began my Bible reading I started to think about something.  Especially as it deals a little with what I wrote last night.  Why am I doing all this?  Why am I beginning to spend time in the word?  Why am I beginning to blog?  Why am I back to journaling?  Why am I fasting?

As soon as I chose to turn to Christ and away from things pulling me from Him, I did not feel a huge fire in my heart.  I was not in tears during worship; I was not constantly thinking of God or praying.  I still do not really feel that way.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be in God's word, I am happy to be taking on the challenge of the fast, and it is so good to feel connected with God again, but are my motives right?


I don't think that I am just trying to get people to think that I am super righteous or something, but am I just doing this to "do what is right."  It's kind of like what I wrote in my last blog.  Am I just following God's law or leaning on God because I'm supposed to?  Or do I honestly long to be near to God and glorify Him through my being?

This is a complicated issue.  I know that Satan plants doubt in our hearts, so that we will stumble and fall.  And I know that as a Christian, I will not always be a huge flame for Christ.  But, I still feel the need to self-reflect and be positive that my motives are correct.

After I began to slightly reflect on this, I began my Bible reading, Matthew 6:5-18.  This is the passage that includes the Lord's prayer and a short passage about fasting.  One of the main points in the passage is that if I am doing things in order for people to see me do them, then I have already received my reward in full.  But if I do things in secret, for only God to see, I will receive a heavenly reward.  Heck, I want the heavenly reward!

So how do I know if my motives are right?  I honestly don't think that I can figure out my motives on my own.  I am blinded by many sins that I have made regular in my life, such as pride and selfishness.  However, the action I plan to take is to be sure that the things that I do to bring God glory are done in secret.  If someone asks me what I am learning or looks at my blog they can see what God is doing, but I will do my best not to broadcast things.  I am also going to try to keep in continuous prayer that God would reveal my motives to me.  And that He would show me how to be more like Him.

Self-reflecting- so hard, but so necessary.

"I hate and abhor falsehood, but I love your law."

Today's reading was Psalm 119...all of it.  It's been something that I've been trying to read all day, but it's so long that I hadn't quite had time.  I finally just read it and it was definitely worth it.

Now, many people may say that Psalm 119 is quite redundant.  There are so many repeated phrases, concepts, and words, but in my opinion this repetition is necessary.  It took those 50 million repeated things to get the concept of what God was saying and that wasn't even the first time I have ever read it!

One verse that stuck out to me was, "I hate and abhor falsehood, but I love your law" (Psalm 119:163).  Of course, we would all say that that is true.  I mean we hate murder right?  We hate when people lie to us?  That's falsehood right?  We love God's word?  We love the encouraging verses?  But is that what this verse is referring to?  Hating when people wrong us and loving encouraging verses?  I think it's more than that.

We, as God's people, are supposed to abhor falsehood, hate evil, be disgusted with sin, whatever you want to call it.  Sin is against God, and we are supposed to hate it.  That means we are supposed to hate sinning, hate when others sin, and hate anything that has to do with sin (this doesn't mean hate people that sin, God loves us sinners and we are called to love each other).  If we hate sin, than why would we choose to do it?  We like to lie; it gets us out of things we don't want to be involved in.  We like to steal; we get things without paying for them.  We like to make fun of others; it makes us feel better about ourselves.  We like to commit adultery; it makes us feel good.  We like these falsehoods, these sins, this evil.

And what about the law?  Do we honestly love the law?  I mean I can flat out say to you right now that the main reason that I have ever tried to follow the God's law is because if I don't I'll get in trouble, because I know that is what I am "supposed" to do, or because people will look down on me if I don't.  Certainly I have not been following God's law because I delight in it.  Certainly I do not give my whole heart to following God's law.  Instead I have found God's law to be boring, restricting, and often times annoying.

Wow.  Now the verse seems to appear a bit different, huh?  Following what Psalm 119 is much more difficult than we thought.  If we loved God's law and abhorred falsehood, it would be so much easier to say no in those tempting situations.  Yes, we would still be tempted, but there would be a strong longing to do what's right, not just choosing to follow a rule that we grudgingly follow.

So how do we go about following this verse?  Even just reading Psalm 119 helps to show you how awesome God's word is.  It's not just the commands that God calls us to because He loves us, but it's also    encouragement, testimonies, and wisdom.  It's God's communication with us.  We should treasure it.  As for learning to abhor evil, we just have to get to know God better and better.  If we're besties with Jesus, we don't want to disappoint him or hurt him.  This takes time, but keeping these things in mind can help us to seek God out even more.

Ah, I love him.  Shout out to Jesus!

It's not easy, but it IS worth it.

As I reflected on my decision for Christ last night, I wanted to take it back.  Not completely, but just enough to get what I wanted back.  Thankfully, God stepped in and continued to direct my path.

This is a decision that we, as Christians, constantly battle.  Do I choose to do what I want or do I choose to do what He wants.  Now, of course we know what we should do...but what do we actually decide to do?

Normally, I choose what is comfortable--what I want.  Just a second ago I watched a video from youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpVsF4W8V2Y&feature=related).  This video honestly gets me every time.  It is so awesome to see how the Holy Spirit overtakes people; they just can't hold it in.  Now, being overtaken by the Holy Spirit doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to burst out in song on a street corner in downtown New York, but it does mean that I am going to be okay with something uncomfortable.  The impact that the living God has in my life needs to mean more to me than any discomfort that I will experience because of it.

As I engage in a daily battle against my selfish desires, I remember Christ.  I recognize the peace beyond understanding, joy beyond measure, love without end, and the safest security that God gives me.  And I certainly recognize that these things are much more meaningful and beneficial than anything that my selfish desires can give me.

21 Days

So, yesterday after a conversation with my best friend [http://rmk-shine.blogspot.com/] who I missed (oh so dearly!) I decided to begin a 21 day fast.  She had shared with me a website [youversion.com] that has a list of different Bible reading plans.  Of course, when I made my way back into the word a few days ago I had no idea where to read.  In fact, this has always been a problem for me.  I found a plan called 21 Day Fast and decided to choose it.

My first thought when I saw the plan was that I would read through it some other time, after I had gotten the hang of regular Bible reading.  But I decided to begin the plan now instead.  What would be a better time to fast, than when I am just beginning a new part of my life?  (Just so that everyone knows, I will be fasting soda/pop, otherwise known as my material comfort in any situation, for these 21 days)

Today is the beginning of this journey.  I read the first Bible reading, which was Daniel 10 and I must say that it was very good and also very different than I expected it to be.  It talked about a conflict that Daniel was dealing with, and how he resorted to fasting for 21 days.  After he had fasted, he received a vision from God.  The Additional Content section called me to write down a prayer about what I am searching for clarity for in my life, so that after the fast I can look back upon it.

So I pulled out my journal ready to write.  And then I realized that I did not have a certain question that I was searching for clarity on.  I thought through some of the things that I want to change in my life, but I could not think of one simple question that I needed an answer to.

I have decided to use this fast as a way to not only keep my focus fully on Christ, but also to seek out God's direction for me now.  The "question" that I have settled to seek clarity on is Where do you want me God?  What is my next step toward you?

"Behold, the Lord is my helper, the Lord is the upholder of my life."
-Psalm 54:4

A living sacrifice

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2

These are some of the key verses that my co-leader and I have been teaching our small group of third grade girls at BASSYCS on Wednesday nights.  Last week, we defined the word sacrifice and had the girls share some ways that they could be a living sacrifice for God as third graders, whether that be in their class or at home.  My co-leader and I both shared ways that we could sacrifice for God.  The struggle that I had mention was reading my Bible, something that honestly should not really have been a sacrifice anyway.  We left our group with a challenge to find one way to be a living sacrifice over the week, and then we would share about it on the next Wednesday.  The week went on, and I knew that I should probably "sacrifice" and read my Bible at some point.  Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....an hour before a group I pulled out my Bible, read a good 3 verses and headed to BASSYCS.

Clearly, this is not the sacrifice that Paul was talking about in Romans.  In fact, Paul wasn't talking about ONE sacrifice.  He wasn't talking about a specific action that we could do "for God" even though we didn't want to.  Paul calls us to be a living sacrifice, and this is how we are to worship God.

As I recognize the places in my life where I have been the exact opposite of a living sacrifice in my life and begin to cut them out, I am unbelievably broken.  I am torn between my wants and God's, but there is one thing that I know above all else.  I am God's and I want to be His above anything else in my life.  If there is anything that is in the way of my walk with Him, I cannot move forward.

So here I am, broken but joyful.  Knowing that any suffering that I am experiencing is because of my own sinful choices, but so thankful that the Lord of heaven and earth, the perfect spotless one, merciful, gracious God loves me. He loves me more than I could ever comprehend.  This is me.  I'm ready to start over.  I'm ready to, with the help of my Savior, be a living sacrifice for Him.

Here am I, Lord.
Forgive me.
Transform me.
Renew my mind.
Make me a living sacrifice for You.

Yours truly

Here am I.

Speechless, but ready through You.
Hold me.
Help me.
Prepare me.
Guide me.
Love me.
Use me.
Protect me.
Save me.

For I am Yours, God.

Have Your Way - Britt Nicole

Feels like i`ve been here forever,
Why can`t you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i`m falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you`ll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
Whoa-oh..

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won`t forget.
Whoa-oh
You love me.
Have your way.
Yeah 

Saying "NO!" to Self Pity, Saying "THANKS!" to God

Reality kicked in quickly today.  Making a decision does not suddenly make things easy.

Temptations and confrontations often accompany a decision.  This means that when you make a decision, you need to be willing to stick with it no matter what uncomfortable situation or unenjoyable situation arises.

This concept has always been a difficult one for me.  I feel so strong in my faith and connected with God when I choose to do the right thing, but as soon as I make that decision I am soon discouraged by the difficulty that still rests in the situation.  Difficulty may come from the people around you or from the temptation to change your decision.  These difficulties almost always cause me to feel alone.  Not only do I feel that no one in the world has been in my situation before, but I also feel that no one recognizes me.  I feel like no one sees that I try to do the right thing or that no one sees what I've been through, so i dwell in self pity.  Because I have become a professional at this, I have realized that this feeling and concentration of self pity gets me nowhere.  Wallowing in my self pity is not only uncalled for, but also it only makes matters worse.

My focus on being alone is completely uncalled for because I am never alone.  The Bible says that,

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8)  

It is pointless to feel alone, because God is always with me, and He loves and understands me.  I know this because He died for me.  He was willing to be uncomfortable, broken hearted, hated, accused unjustly...He was willing to die for me, and He did NOT feel sorry for Himself.  He willingly and gladly did that for me.  I have been blessed beyond imagination.

And if that wasn't enough!  God has placed me in a loving and caring family, given me some amazing friends, and placed me at a school where He is the focus.  He has given me more than enough food for each day (enough for the freshman 15), a sizable room to live in, a warm bed to sleep in, and a closet full of clothes.  For me to feel sorry for myself, is to say that I am not content with what God has given me.  It is to say that not only am I unsatisfied with all of these blessings, but that I am unsatisfied with God.  Clearly something that I need to work on.

I need to choose to put away my self pity and instead focus on Christ.  I can find joy in each situation, because of God's infinite blessings.  By constantly thanking and praising God, He can help me to conquer my self pity in these everyday situations and learn to depend fully on Him.  Refusing to find temporary satisfaction in self pity is only one small step to finding satisfaction in God.